there are so many people to whom i owe phonecalls. people who have been going through difficult times. people who need other people to reach out and acknowledge their pain.
i'm sorry. i haven't been there. i'm sorry that i haven't been there. for you.
what i offer is not in the way of an excuse but, hopefully, an opportunity for insight into my behavior:
i, too, am lonely. and struggling. most days it is a challenge to answer the phone, let alone pick it up and dial out. i never really learned how to communicate effectively. what i learned, instead, was how to stash my emotions away in cloistered rooms of my conscious and subconscious mind where they couldn't be effectively accessed. by myself. by others. where they aren't able to lend their full potential to the project of influencing---or determining---my actions.
what i need you to know is that i do care. i think about all of you. i think about what it must be like to be you, to be experiencing what you are, to be making daily choices based on what information and resources are available to you. what, specifically, those choices, information and resources might be. how you feel afterward. i wonder at you. i wonder what thoughts fill your mind when you sit down to a meal, when you step into the shower, when you lock your front door, when you take your seat on the train.
i just haven't figured out how to harmonize my own problems with yours in a way that allows us to connect. i haven't figured out how to extend myself---inject myself into your world in a more real way than by consideration alone. how to SHOW you i care. how to show you i care without feeling frustrated or further isolated. how to reconcile conflicting emotions and desires.
even now i know what i want to tell you and i am failing.
i love you.
i miss you.
you are important.
and i am sorry.