i should have packed more slowly.  now everything is done and there's nothing left but to wait.  and five days is going to feel like a month without anything to distract me from my own head.

i, personally, would love to bask in the eternal sunshine of a spotless mind.  i wish i had no memories save where i put my car keys and how to drive a car. 

these days i purposely exhaust myself and then pop benadryl tablets as insurance against insomnia.  i sleep just to escape.  and i wake up with tears in my eyes and a heart so heavy it anchors me to the mattress.  an hour, sometimes two, will pass before i finally find the strength to get up. 

i'm beginning to see alcohol as an acceptable plan for dealing with the pain.  depression is too clinical a word for it.  this is despair.  i don't even know what it feels like to be genuinely happy.  not just for a few hours, but for years.  months.  even days at a time would be novel. 

i need help.