he didn't feel a thing
as she slit the skin over his ribs,
deliberate and practiced
as a surgeon.

two fingers snaking in,
between third and fourth,
she pinched a piece

of his heart
like a gob of chocolate cake
from the side no one
would see.

he only murmured softly,
a dreaming word,
while she stitched close his wound

and made off in the night
with her treasure.

years later he will
rub at his chest, complaining
of vague pains but
will attribute them to age.

there is something in me that wants to find you, seek out your peculiar warmth, take your hand and walk with you until the noise fades away and there's nothing but the sound of our breath and the thrum of forgiveness.  of understanding. 

i want to slip a word behind your eyes and watch it dodge and leap with every smile. i want to hook your thoughts together and string them up like christmas lights in my mind. 

but mostly i want you to be happy.  i want you to be safe.  i want you to be free. 

i keep waiting for the other shoe to drop.  like...wait...i shouldn't be this happy...there's got to be a catch.

shoes are, decidedly, not dropping.  nor can i ascertain the existence of any shoes of precarious relationship to...anything.  or, you know, any shoes.  at all.  okay, enough with the shoes.  you get my point.

i'm sleeping soundly.  i'm waking refreshed and smiling.  i'm besieged by smiles...most of them my own.  it's fucking odd and wonderful. 

maybe it's the weather, which is ideal by my standards:  languorous, rainy days with gauzy skies and chilly nights that beg to be enjoyed snuggled deeply under the huge feather blanket.   maybe it's all the trees and flowers.  maybe it's the house, which feels cozy and familiar even though i've been here barely two and a half weeks.  maybe it's being around good friends again after being so reclusive for so long.  maybe it's the calm after the storm, so to speak---the promise of fresh starts.  maybe it's all this.

all i know is i can't stop smiling and i feel really, really good.  and i haven't felt really, really good in a long time.  like...years.  i'm starting to feel like "myself" again. 

i feel your smile
stretching thin and pink and young
in my tea-soaked mouth.

the bread i threw out,
for the birds, has puffed and spread
in the downpour---
soggy, shapeless creatures
marooned on the zealous lawn.

the crows perch
on power-lines with disdain.

they told me it rains here.  like a secret
they tucked it into my brain. 

i take my tea, giddy and sore
from last night's dreams.
you were there. 

you were
laughing and the sound was
like a soap bubble pierced
in stereo.

you were beautiful but then
you always were.

the crows shuffle their wings---
old mens' feet in feathered slippers, dragging
and teetering down hallways
in houses emptied of wives and children.

ha.  haha.  hahahahhahahaahahaaaa!  heh.  hehehehe.  heh. 

i'd tell you what i am laughing about, but then i'd have to kill you.

i are ossum and Other Revelations of Truenessitudinosity.  don't go looking for that one in the Oxford English dictionary.  i makez up mah own werdz.

i did not quite expect to be happy.  i hoped for it.  i considered it profoundly and at great length rather like one might consider taking up SCUBA diving or French...dangerous and thrilling undertakings, to be sure.  but i never really expected it to happen.  at least, not without drugs and therapy.

lo.

and.

behold.

what changed?  not much, objectively speaking.  i moved.  to a place full of nice people and green things.  my best friends are here.  i resolved some inner emotional Yucky.  mostly by (go figure) squaring off with it until it realized the futility of its existence in my life and exited, stage right. 

i hadn't noticed that i'd gotten so out of touch, (oh, no!  new-age buzzphrases!  run for the hills!  save yourselves!) with the essence of Me.  the things that make me who i am.  beliefs.  abilities.  et cetera.  i think it is very easy to slip away from yourself when your priorities, (which are invariably decided by the "have-nots" in your life,)  are out of wack.  and getting back to yourself requires a lot of taking arms against a sea of troubles, and, by opposing, ending them. (thanks Shakey!)

which is, you know, work.

but i am happy.  i genuinely am.  it's pecuiliar.  unfamiliar territory, previously glimpsed like a fawn in the wood off the side of the road i was careening down.  in some very real, as well as very figurative, sense, i took the off-ramp to Happiness.  it's a great place, i highly recommend you move here and hang out with me.

so, okay...

Seattle...doesn't feel like "home" yet...but it's kind of cool.  i made the rookie mistake of attempting to drive through downtown.  whoops.  now, were i still living in SoCal, i'd have made good use of my middle finger and my sense of righteous indignation, yelling and flipping people off for cutting in front of me and not signalling and other relatively mild traffic infractions.  but, see, this Seattle place...

is full of...

nice people.  they don't cuss you out and flip you off.  most of them actually *do* signal before turning.  and they let you slip in front of them if you signal, too.  they don't ride your ass or honk at you.  they wear their seatbelts.  they cross at crosswalks.  it's fucking strange.

people recycle here.  like, religiously.  and they talk to you.  whoever you are, whatever you're doing, if two people pass one another, there will, at the very least be a smile and nod, but usually also a "hi there"...and often, in places like grocery stores and coffee shops, they will launch into conversation.  also strange. 

i'm down with recycling, but the whole people-talking-to-me thing freaks me out.  i'm so antisocial, it's unreal.  i feel like a total bitch in this environment.  i mean, i'll smile and nod and chatter a bit if i feel like i absolutely should...but it's uncomfortable...and if there's even the slightest chance i can get away with a quick glance and an "mhmm", i'll invariably take it over the alternative.  i used to think i was shy.  sometimes i still like to cultivate that image.  but really, it's that i just don't like people.  well...the overwhelming majority of people.  i like sweet little old ladies and babies and stuff.   i'm not a COMPLETE loss.

*cough*

so...okay and the Pike Place Market, while a total tourist trap, is actually awesome and i would go there every day if i had reason to.  but you can only buy and eat so many blueberries, so many medjool dates, so much organic asparagus.  at some point you have to say, "okay.  i don't actually NEED these local-harvest morel mushrooms for $36 a fucking pound...or DO i...shit!"

it rains here.  well...rains...sprinkles...drizzles...spits on you...whatever.  at least, that's what i hear...there hasn't been TOO much rain, (of course...i was expecting a veritable torrent,) and actually a handful of partially sunny, if quite chilly, days so far. 

hmm...what have i done so far?  eaten a shitload of really fucking good ethnic food.  some chinese, some pakistani, some lebanese, (my favorite cuisine on earth.)  i've frozen my ass off.  i've gotten rainsoaked and loved it.  i've consumed way too much coffee.  and a bottle of Jack Daniels.  good times.  played some poker.  while drinking the Jack.  *note to self:  don't drink and bluff.  it rarely works out in your favor. *laughs*

i've driven around aimlessly, just looking at things.  i've bought a new vacuum cleaner.  i've...organized my closet by color.  took two minutes---black clothes on the right (2/3rds of the space) and "darks" on the left.  i know there's other fun stuff i'm forgetting...

oh, and i've already been pulled over by a cop.  go me.  i swear to god, it's like a fly to honey.  they love to pull me over and NOT give me tickets.  maybe it's the, (i like to think adorable,) way i dig through eight lifetimes' worth of ephemera looking for my goddamned proof-of-insurance card...maybe it's my hair fluffed out all over my head in that "brush?  what's that?" kind of way.  of course, i'm sure it didn't hurt to have A. in the car looking all charming and innocent.  he's surprisingly good at that. except when he's trying to take over Russia and most of Africa when we play Axis & Allies.  scheming bastard.  British Navy?  WHAT BRITISH NAVY!?!?  *hums*

i missed my best girl a lot while i was still in California...it's good to be here, so close to her again.  pedicures and lunch this saturday afternoon...then a looong nap...then drinks and games in the evening with teh boyzies.  looking forward to that.

while i was "away" from "it all", i managed to gain surprising perspective on all that happened.  realized a few things.  okay, realized a LOT of things.  some important, some merely noteworthy.  experience is the best teacher.  though it really fucking sucked to go through what i went through there, i wouldn't trade it back.  invaluable lessons were learned.  and it was enough time and enough distraction to get OVER it.  or through it.  depending how you choose to look at the situation(s).  or which particular situation you look at.  heh.  at any rate, my lessons learned.  i'll never go into detail about it all, at least not in a public journal.  but there's something to be said for the satisfaction of achieving a certain level of clarity.  even if it means you have to lick the shit-smeared window clean yourself.

no, i did not lick any literal shit-smeared windows.  moving on.

i did, however, HAND mix an entire set for my next DJing shift.  i mean...i actually HANDMIXED it.  like, took the songs and cut them all up and manipulated them and stuff.  in a separate program.  then turned the whole thing into one giant Mp3 which i will play at my next shift.  the set is 3 hours long...mixing this set, however,  took almost five hours of straight work.  and it fucking rocks.  i am listening to it *right now* and going...holy shit, i'm good.  and this is only the first attempt at this specific method of putting together a set.  i don't mean to toot my own horn, but, i didn't realize i'd be so good at this.  i never thought of myself as someone who could mix music...in this capacity...it's hard to explain.  maybe it shouldn't surprise me so much...i've been mixing beats for, what, like eight years?  since before i even met most of my very best friends.  *shrug*  aaaanyway.

i just peeked out the window and the sun is out.  i'd better run outside and get my vitamin D before the sun goes into hiding again. 

ENGRISH DOT COM

"so i started jerking off because he was jerking off and then he was like, 'i am going to do it to the picture of your face' and i was like...'oh my god that is so sweet!'  isn't that sweet!?"